NÍU LẠI

Thơ dịch

 

 
 

 

 

 

Khế Iêm
NÍU LẠI

trút hơi           thở
                  và ngồi duỗi ra
vào một nơi tưởng là đã tay trắng
            khom

            lưng          bất động như thế cho đến khi giọt
            chuông chiều kia làm tan đi người và        vật
            kiến tạo im ắng mà lâu nay                       bị
            che lấp bởi cánh liếp của                   lời kinh

rảo bước ngoài mặt
đất và nhận ra có tiếng kêu

níu lại ở đầu ghềnh

 

LINGERING

pour out            breaths
                 and sit stretched
into a place empty-handed
            bend

            back                      motionless as such until a drop
            of afternoon bell dissolves the self and        objects
            that are created lie silent as in the past         being
            covered up by the lattice wings of             prayers

pacing on the face of
the earth and acknowledging a call

lingering at the head of the whirlpool

Translated by DoVinh - Edited by Dr. Carol Compton

 

Comments

1/ What a stunning, soul lifting, Rumi-like  poem. The translation across seems to work very well. Look forward to reading more. :)  – Blissbuddha (poetry.about.com)

2/ Hey Khe.lem,
Another gem you've posted here. This is breathtaking. – Deb (poetry.about.com)

3/ Beautiful beautiful poem. I loved "lattice wings of prayers". This style reminds me of Cummings w/ the spacing. It works well with this poem. Good job – Jules (poetry.about.com).

4/ well, now this one is quite interesting – it feels like a meditation, where controlled breaths allow different levels of awareness to rise and then fall as the connection with place and time is lost until this meditative state is interrupted by the sound of a bell and spoken prayers... a very enjoyable description... – Michael Firewalker (PoetryCircle.com)

5/ "lingering at the head of a whirlpool" How delish. Some poet (can't remember who), once described the creative  process as akin to a whirling fist but the above could also be a great image for this. – Eric Ashford (PoetryCircle.com)

6/ Hi khe Iem,
I am honored to be the first to comment on this poem. But the only problem is, I am far from worthy to offer any critical advice on it.  Only to say that it was sublime. – TC
Jim
(criticalpoet.com)

7/ I like this portrait of a mental state a lot! “a drop of afternoon bell” I heard it and it dissolved consciousness for a breath span. – Rick Stansberger

8/ Hi, Khe. I really like this poem. It has some excellent lines. Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth  Very Happy

LINGERING

by Khe Iem

pour out breaths
           and sit stretched
into a place empty-handed
bend

back                             motionless as such until a drop

I'm really liking the pairing of words throughout here...but the white-space you've created, the long linear tabs, are taking away from the poem (at least for me). What would happen if you simply left it all together as a whole?

of afternoon bell dissolves the self and                objects
that are created lie silent as in the past                being
covered up by the lattice wings of                     prayers

Same thoughts through here... "Lattice wings of prayers" is magnificent.

pacing on the face of
the earth and acknowledging a call

lingering at the head of the whirlpool

So much in this last line! I love it! Otherwise, same comment as above.

translated by DoVinh, edited by Carol Compton

Enjoyed this very much! – Dfarina

You're right, Khe Iem. The poem itself is very still, very quiet. The white space definitely serves to underscore the mood you’ve created. It's probably just me, I think, that finds them more jarring than restful. Enjoyed the poem and the unique evocation very much. – df

9/ Describing it as a meditation is apt. I like it very much, actually; hard to believe this was translated, which is really difficult to get right. – Oleksa

10/ Khe Iem,
I see this is a translation.  I can't imagine translating anybody's poem.  There are many moments I like here but the format is distracting for me, personally.  It makes it hard for me to get the connectedness of the thoughts.  Probably not what you hoped for but, just so you know, I am sort of traditional in my taste, so this could be "just me."  I would like to see this poem reformatted if you would ever care to do so.
Best,
Margot

Hi,Thank you.
Your response makes perfect sense when I look at the poem now.
Sincerely,
Margot

 

 

 

Last modified on 09/04/2007 10:00 AM © 2004 2007 www.thotanhinhthuc.org.
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